Being a Petrolhead has been both a benefit and a curse. The benefit is how we know the absolute joy of the automobile and what it means.
The curse? NO ONE WANTS TO TALK TO US!!!!! We don’t get invited to parties, people avoid us, and of course, if we are around people and happen to mention something as important as your car’s exhaust note, we find ourselves standing alone at the cheese table having our 100th chip with some crudité.
However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a time when people seek us out. They want to talk to us, they ask us questions, they want information, and they implore us to help them. It is for that most dreaded event that people must rise up and face. The anxiety of this event, the horrors that must be experienced, the hell that one must endure.
I’m talking about, of course, the “Purchase of a vehicle”.
This instills waves of anxiety in most people. The fear makes people hyperventilate, have heart attacks, and millions die during this process…..ok, maybe a little exaggerated. However, I’m sure they do.
So, to help survive this, one needs a survival expert…..a Petrolhead.
Therein, my services were requested by a friend. I first heard him talking on one of our social media threads about his desire to purchase a Land Rover. Any Petrolhead reading this just had their own heart palpitations. There is Rover Fever. There is just no better-looking series of SUV’s than Land Rover/Range Rover. It is just marvelous to look at, sensual to sit in, and heavenly to ride around in…… for the 500-1000 miles that the car will work before it breaks down. Yup, once LR started getting into the 1990’s, it went from having legendary toughness and reliability, such as the amazing Defender, to a clown car that spends its time helping your mechanic or dealer to have his beach house.
In one automobile report, there was a comparison of the “Best Cars of 2001 vs Best Cars of 2011”. In that report, they showed that the least reliable car of 2011 was better than the most reliable car of 2001…..except for the LR. It was the #1 worst car of both lists.
So when my friend said he loved it, I had to step up to the plate. After delivering a heavy dose of AntiRoveriotic to him, I did my usual and starting into research on what he said he wanted. After boiling it down through a few, it came down to the Audi Q3. With a comprehensive warranty, and on the Certified Pre-Owned car I found for him, it turned out that he would have 3 years and UNLIMITED miles of 99% worry-free driving. 99% because tires, glass, and the basic damage like door dings are never covered by anyone. However, small price to pay for when your car has a bad oil leak or needs a new alternator. Both of those cost millions to replace (again, slight exaggeration, but not much).
The car I found was a good color combo for him, Premium model, low miles, and in looking at TrueCar, CarFax, and a couple other sites, it was right on the money for price. Even at sticker, he would be in great shape. So, test drive/inspection needed, off we went.
Audi’s standardized dealership design is impressive. The dealerships are industrial in looks, roomy, lots of pics of old Audi racing, it’s a nice place to be. We walk in, the salesman is gracious, helps us get to the car, offers us refreshments, and off we go for the test drive.
The Q3 is exactly what you expect, and exactly what every critic agrees about. It is a CUV, it is Audi quality, it has a nice design, nice feel, looks basically good (little podlike, but maybe that is just me), and has the basics of what everyone wants for a CUV. The two downsides are that for a CUV, the backseat area is smaller than expected and a bit difficult to get in/out of, and the acceleration is definitely underwhelming. Not slow per se, just that you will not impress anyone with the acceleration. Overall, this is still a great car to have, and with the surprise of unlimited mileage, I of course encouraged my Florida friend to take a nice road trip to Alaska and drive all over the state and then back home…… he was not equally excited.
So, now, the pitch. Oh the dreaded pitch. We are led to the prison cell where we are prepped to be tortured. My friend has to go get his paperwork from the car, so I regale the salesman with what I know, and a wee bit of “who” I know in the biz. He replies “Geez, you know a lot. I guess I am under pressure now, aren’t I?” I gave him a deep “YES, YOU ARE!”. I will not let my friends get screwed, and I was of course doing the typical male bit of establishing dominance, so that he would not go into the dreaded pitch of “This car has 2,495,657 features, has been rated #1 in 5,684,789 magazine articles, it will blow your nose and wipe your arse, etc etc etc” to try to impress their prisoner to accept all the extra fees they will dump on you.
My friend returns, we start talking. Car was $24,000, and one knows that you then add Title, tag, sales tax, tire disposal fee, dealer fee, and a host of other fees that one must dicker on. They definitely added too much on the state registration part, I saw that. The fees like $2 Florida Lemon Law and such, those are pretty basic. However, here comes the clincher……. His words……. “Ok, the car is $24,000, then options are $497, Lemon Law of $2, Tire Disposal of…….(record scratching to a halt)” I now chimed in.
“WHAT THE HECK ARE ‘OPTIONS’ AS YOU HAVE LISTED?!? OPTIONS ARE ON THE CAR, THEY ARE ALREADY IN THE PRICE. WHAT ARE CLAIMING AS THESE SECRET OPTIONS THAT YOU DON’T HAVE LISTED ON THE WEBSITE?!?” I went off on a tirade. I smelled a big rat, and turns out, I was right. “Oh sir, those are options that are installed on the car. It has tinted windows, nitrogen air in the tires, and wheel locks”. Ok, let’s break this down. Tint is $20/window, so that is $140 max. Nitro is $5/tire, so that is $20. That leaves $360 for 4 lug nuts. $360 FOR 4 LUG NUTS!” The awesome comedian Ron White has a whole comedic bit on lug nuts from Sears, I encourage you to find the YouTube on that, it’s hysterical.
I launch into one of my extra volume extra enunciation tirades so every other prisoner (oops, customer) can hear me, in case they were getting tortured by the guards as well. I warned him to not pull bullshit on me, and then he literally brought me a steaming pile of feces and said it was Belgian chocolate. Nope, not happening. I can’t believe he would try this. I was quite literally shocked. I have not had to deal with sales idiots in a long time, and here I was with one, and not at a Dodge dealership where I would expect this, but at a premium car company’s nice pretty dealership. I was shocked.
Plus, he started to play the infamous Salesman’s “4 Square Game” (Look up Edmunds.com Confessions Of An Auto Salesman, very very good article). My friend happened to be very good with his money, and already was very happy with the thought of walking out the dealership if he didn’t get the price he wanted. AND, so we did.
Now, eventually, my friend did do a very small amount of negotiating and got the car for a very good deal. I hope the car will work out very well for him, and we shall soon see.
However, as always, a warning to all. The Dreaded Sales Pitch, never never never never never never never never fall for it! Always walk out, always keep these guys on a leash. There are sooooo many fish in the sea of dealerships. One must always go out and hunt. It will always benefit you.