Russians Hack America Sub

In this day and age with news agencies, everything comes down to putting up a wild sensationalized headline, followed deep down in the article by the comment “So far, there is no truth to this whatsoever”. However, it made you read the article. So, why can’t I do the same? Now you are enthralled and ready to hang on my every word. 

Now, when I say “Sub”, I mean Subaru, and by American, I mean the ones built here in America. So, technically, what I said has some truth to it…….insert silly emoji face here. 

When mentioning that I was going to write an article about Subaru, I was warned by my automobile mentor, Mr. Raymond Ketchledge, retired automotive executive extraordinaire, about the rabid following that Subaru’s have. So, I went out, bought a pair of nice soft white gloves, and began to type this article. Then the gloves kept making me mistype so I threw them away. 

What every person of normal financial means asks themselves if they live in the north….”How can I afford 4WD?” The answer…..Subaru. Undeniably, Subarus rules the north country. 

I remember our first family Subaru. A 1980 1600GL Wagon. It was bright shiny red, came with lots of options like windows, doors, and even a key to unlock the doors and start the car all with the same key. It was LOADED…..for that time! Most important, it came with 4WD, and that meant all the world. 

We traveled to New Hampshire often. We had been renting cars, and we were having NUMEROUS issues. Imagine a 1970’s behemoth, two wheel drive, REAR wheel drive, trudging along in the deep snow. The cars of the 1970’s would rust the second you drove them off the lot, and would break down a few feet down the road. Just the word “Plymouth” makes me slightly nauseous. So, after 3 years of torture, my father decided we needed to purchase a car for the northern country. 

One of the biggest rules of thumb in buying a car is to never never I repeat never buy the car on the first visit to the dealership. Plus, ask anyone what is the worst thing they could ever hear in their life. Many might initially think some sort of racial slur or such. To a teenager, the words “I’m late” can create terror in a young couple’s minds. However, let’s face it, the worst thing ever that you can ever hear in life is “I will be your salesman, and do you want to buy the car today?” Salesmen just can’t understand that WE DO NOT WANT TO BUY TODAY! They will ask again and again though, never ending, like Kanye West’s musical career, it just keeps torturing us over and over and over. 

My father was a master of handling salesmen. He would wear them down to quivering masses of easily manipulated goo. He never never never would buy the car on the first trip. Maybe the 1000^th trip….maybe. The one and ONLY car he ever bought on first sight was that 1600GL wagon. Mercedes, nope. Audi, nope. Ford, nope. Porsche, nope. Jeep, nope. Subaru, yup! 

Subaru Reliability is well known, and we certainly were introduced to it. Being Floridians traveling to northern New Hampshire multiple times a year, we had to park the car at Logan airport. We would fly in, it would be late night, bitter cold, and here we were, a warm weather family of four, huddling together for shared body warmth, trying to find our car in the Siberian parking lot while it was negative 250 degrees (Note, that is in Floridian Fahrenheit). We could always find the car, it was always the gigantic snowbank, because while other cars moved, ours didn’t for 1-2 months, so all the plows pushed the snow up to it.  

We would hack out a hole for the exhaust, clear the snow from the front grill, and hack open the ten feet of ice on the driver door. Get in, put in the key, turn it……..and of course, IT STARTED!!! It never let us down. No matter how cold, no matter how buried, it started. Reliable as rain on your wedding day, or a free ride when you already paid (go ahead, get Alanis Morrisette out of your head now, ha ha ha). 

When I went to college, I was in Massachusetts, and so I drove that car. In the end, it went 9 years and over 100,000 miles before it even had its first mechanical repair. We only replaced a couple body panels due to minor rust, but that was it for 9 years. Reliable. 

A few years later, we bought a 1986 wagon……and that model for some reason used rubber bands in the automatic transmission. Everything in the car was great except for that the transmission would lose gears on a regular basis as the rubber bands would snap. That model also hurt Subaru sales, so we will skip further commentary on that one. Rabid Subaru fans, take note of me being nice. 

So, fast forward to today. Every time I visit New Hampshire, I do my best to rent a Subaru. With their fantastic standardization on the all-wheel-drive platform, I am assured that if I rent a Subaru, I get great traction but for a fraction of the price. Hey, I like that, “Traction For A Fraction”, that should be one of their brand comments….quick, have to copyright that! This last trip, total week price of $330, compared to a similar sized SUV of $800 a week. You can’t go wrong. So, I had the Outback. 

Ok, good things. It is big but not too big. It is comfortable. Its internal dashboard is neat and clean, the butt warmers (heated seats, but my wife calls them otherwise) are toasty although they do have a timer on them where they turn off every so often. Back seat has tons of room, the rear deck is quite roomy for luggage, I even thought the basic headlights on this fleet-level Subaru were good. 

It drove very smoothly on the highway, and in the snow, it rolled right through. No noticeable understeer or oversteer, and certainly didn’t get stuck when the snow was a bit deep in places. 

All for prices in the $20K’s for almost every model to purchase. It is the lowest priced 4WD/AWD that I can think of right now for its all round model lineup. 

In other words, it is a typical Subaru. Competent, long lasting, handles the rough weather nicely, decently priced, and can easily cross the 100,000 mile mark. 

Ok, on to the comments that I must make. A noticeable issue with Subaru, both back then and now, is the extreme dichotomy on horsepower. It is like Mercedes, it is either abysmally slow or raging fast. There is no middle ground. It is like Trump and Hillary difference, boiling water to solid ice. No inbetween.  

Get in a WRX/STI, and you are in a crazy beast. Do a four wheel burnout and light those tires up, do crazy drifting, it is tons of horsepower fun! Get in a regular model like Outback, Forester, or Impreza, you have to remember to not eat too much at dinner or it will slow the car down. 

The second comment is not a Subaru issue. It is a general negative comment on a shared automotive part, it is just that Subaru uses this part when I wish it didn’t. To first offer my Disclaimer: I must admit to my absolute HATRED AND LOATHING of the CVT Transmission. It is the bane of my existence, it is the scourge of humanity, it is the embodiment of total evil. Cars with it must be exorcised, “The Power of Stick compels you, The Power Of Stick compels you!” I will do a future article on this, but for now, I admit my bias. 

On the old 1600GL, it was a 4 speed transmission, and if we told Fred and Barney to pedal faster, we could get it up to 30mph or so. I remember this one hill on NH Rt 16 where it was about a 5 degree incline. If we went in 3^rd gear, it would redline, if we shifted into 4^th, it would go too low in RPM and almost stall. So to get up this hill took a game of “Find the Right Gear” shifting. Wow, think back to 4spd transmissions, are you that old? Hmmm…..I’m getting late for my oatmeal dinner and my lazyboy recliner to watch reruns of Sanford And Son. 

Now, back to the topic at hand. By mating the evil death star CVT transmission to the plain engine of the Subaru with the horsepower equivalent of a hamster named Joe, the resulting pickup left much to be desired. On the highway, if you want to pass a car, you have to floor it. However, with the CVT, this puts the car up to 6000rpm, and then holds it there while Joe the Hamster weezes along on the treadmill to get your car from 55mph to 70mph in around ten minutes. Couldn’t Subaru do a simple turbo, call it “Eco-Green-Super-Global-Climate-Warming-Change-Power” as all the car makers like to make up fancier titles for the word “turbo”. In north country, with all that cool to cold air, it would make the smaller engine hum very nicely. We can hope. 

So, as mentioned, the more rabid Subaru fans will send me hate mail about the comments above. They will tell me that they love to stay under 25mph as they go to the local Farmer’s Market to buy their vegan dinner of boiled beets and rutabaga and then going home to knit all their clothing from tree bark. Lay it on me, I can take it.  

However, in the end, living up in north country, the best automobile solution for the masses is an easy choice…..Subaru. 

Oh, and by the way, “So far, there is no truth or reliable sources confirming that Russians hacked a Subaru made in America.”. Just saying……